101 Rules of Exreme Metal

01. You must listen to (and name) at least 100 metal bands (power metal not included) before you are extreme.
02. Hair must be shoulder length, longer, or completely shaved off.
03. Drummers must weigh either under 60kg, or over 140kg - No in betweens.
04. Band logos must be totally undecipherable.
05. Song tempos are only allowed to register under 40bpm (extreme), or over 240bpm (extreme).
06. Thank-you list must comprise of every extreme metal band in existence (even if you have never met the band or heard their music).
07. The police picture of your ex-vocalist’s suicide must be used for the next album cover.
08. Drummer must be limited to blast beats and grind beats (even at 40bpm)
09. Profess the glory of Satan, especially if you are an atheist.
10. Sing about ancient cultures, and invent your own language to sing in.
11. Develop cancer or a tumor of some type.
12. Refer to 1
13. Wear every manner of injury inflicting clothing - manacles, bullet belts, spiky shin pads etc.
14. Sing about the dark lord and/or gore on your first album, and then onto politics and life on all proceeding albums, apparently you 'have matured'.
15. Wear black. Always.
16. Drive a funeral car as transportation for the band.
17. Release an album, then a year later, re-release it with a bonus track just to make people buy the album again.
18. Record twice as many songs as you plan to release, then ten year's later release the album as a collector's item.
19. Record a whole bunch of new songs, add a high frequency hiss, and cut the low frequencies, then release it as 'pre-band demo recordings'
20. Guitars must be shaped so that they may be used as a grievous weapon.
21. Never ever have the same band line up for any album or tour.
22. Feud with the band members that move on to other bands (good publicity).
23. Pretend that you 'hail from Norway'.
24. Do as many side projects that are humanly possible in your extreme time budget. One band, at least, must feature a female singer (your wife, cause no one else is extreme enough).
25. Albums should either be less than thirty minutes, or exactly sixty six minutes and six seconds.
26. In summer, black clothing can be hand torn into singlets and shorts to deal with heat (NEVER use scissors)
27. Have a royal throne for a toilet seat/table seat/car seat etc.
28. Marry a girl with so many piercings, she has more metal in her than a Massey Fergusson tractor – and can never get through a metal detector at the airport.
29. Have 52 metal t-shirts - one for each week of the year.
30. Play only Jackson and/or B.C.Rich guitars.
31. The first letter of every album titles must start at A, and then progress through the alphabet. (Altars of Madness, Blessed Are the Sick, Covenant...)
32. Become a 'specialist producer' of extreme metal, and build your very own studio in the heart of the Norwegian forest (helps with Forest Metal).
33. Forest metal is running round a dark forest, with a $10 Casio Keyboard, and a $5 microphone, records your new 'extreme atmospheric project'
34. Sing about serial killers only after you've met one and formed a relationship with them.
35. Never play in key. Chromaticism is the only way.
36. Let keyboard players 'jump' from band to band (it’s the only jumping they're allowed to do).
37. Claim to have burnt down a church and gone to jail for it (even if you really haven't).
38. Say the word 'EXTREME' and cross your arms in a X shape when you shout it, as often as possible
39. Play the bass without a plectrum.
40. Play drums barefoot, or in white socks if feeling especially extreme.
41. Call everyone 'Sons of Satan' even if you are addressing a female.
42. Be involved in the porn industry in any way possible, preferably as an actor called 'Penetrator' or 'Frosty-Spire'
43. Play only Axis bass drum pedals.
44. Take speed to be the fastest band on earth.
45. Smoke weed to be the slowest band on earth.
46. Guitars must be tuned lower than Ab before they are considered extreme.
47. Guitar solos must not sound anything like Yngwie Malmsteen or blues – solos must be so fast that fingers bleed.
48. Resurrect ****ty black metal bands, call yourself 'cult' and then release albums with the ****tiest possible production (by referring to rule 33).
49. Television viewing media is restricted to 'The Simpsons' and 'Homicide'.
50. List 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' as your all time favourite movie, only after 'Debbie Does Dallas'.
51. Tour every country possible, but NEVER EVER New Zealand.
52. Support established extreme metal acts, become famous, and even bigger than these acts, then never have anything to do with them again.
53. Drummers: 3 bars of blast beats followed by 1 bar of drum fill. Repeat. Do not deviate from this pattern, failure to follow these instructions may make you less extreme.
54. Marshall amps suck - Mesa Boogie amps rule.
55. Never use your real name, claim your extreme parents gave you the name ‘Persecuter’ at birth.
56. Call your band 'The Next Generation in Extreme Metal' (don't forget to cross your arms) even if you sound like you came straight from the 80's.
57. Make sure your band name is the same as another band's name in the other hemisphere.
58. Cite Darkthrone as a major influence (even if you have never heard them).
59. Have even more disturbing album artwork than the last 'yesterday' extreme band. Hire a professional uber-gore-meister-artist (primarily yourself - don't forget to change your name).
60. (a) Murder a person in another band to elevate you to extreme infamousness - publicity helps.
60. (b) Then write the rest of your albums from jail
61. Say that you've recorded at Morrisound Studios, Florida, USA, with Scott Burns as producer.
62. Organise tours with at least 9 bands on the bill - $6.66 tickets.
63. Have competitions on stage to see which of the nine bands can play the fastest.
64. Always have two (or more) bass drums.
65. Head bang until you get told by the doctor that those headaches indicate the possibility of serious brain damage. Carry on headbanging anyway because it is extreme.
66. When singing live, always do 'vocal bails' - do a low growl, because you know that when you go pussy high, you are going to fail it miserably.
67. Refer to 1.
68. Tell everyone that you are going to write all album material by yourself because the music and lyrics are headed in the wrong direction.
69. Join your wife's band.
70. Record an extreme metal video in ONLY ONE (1) of FOUR (4) possibly locations i) A Church, ii) A Graveyard, iii) A Forest, iv) A Castle.
71. If rule 70 ends up being too extensive, paint your band practice room black (it should be already, unless you are un-extreme), wear all black, and have different coloured instruments, so that viewers can only make out them, and your faces (which are white).
72. Bite a dove's head off (or substitute for any form of fowl).
73. All band photos must involve you holding a gun or axe.
74. All band photos must feature naked women looking like your loyal slaves.
75. Get rid of your drummer because he is too slow - get a drum machine instead.
76. Sing in as many different bands as you can possibly whore yourself too, and be totally un-committed to any of them. Unreliable as f@ck = extreme.
77. Record a Slayer cover.
78. After a band 'calls it a day', attempt to contact Rob Halford to start a new band.
79. Or alternatively, Phil Anselmo to resurrect a dead band.
80. Rip off as many samples from horror movies as possible to use in your extreme album. Copyright is for pussies.
81. Triggered drums are the only way to go, even if your snare sounds like a 6" tom.
82. Experience a heroin overdose, live through it, and say that you had to come back because Satan told you that you must piss more people off.
83. Say that you are a Satanist and that you only listen to black metal.
84. Say 'Morbid Angel is the best f@cking death metal band in the world".
85. A toilet is the best place to keep beer and alcohol chilled.
86. Kill your offspring if they become house/trance DJ's.
87. Admit you used to air guitar to KISS and that Gene Simmons is your God.
88. Listen and air drum to Motley Crue's 'Dr. FeelGood' album (yes its ok to do that).
89. Splatter as much fake blood on stage and your audience as stated in the rules of accordance in hiring your venue.
90. Wait, rules are for pussies.
91. Try to get your long hair stuck in as many people's mouths as possible in the audience.
92. Sing so brutal and low, so that people, who even know your lyrics, can't sing along, thus sound pussy in comparison to you. Exert your Extreme Dominance.
93 Recording a jam session in a blizzard on the snowy slopes of Norway is part of the pre-production for your new album.
94. Destroy as many hotel rooms as possible while on tour.
95. Beware of power metal album covers that look like black metal album covers - deception can be brutal.
96. Your middle name must be that of a weapon, succeeded by the word 'The'. eg. "John 'The Missile/Axe/Torpedo' Smith".
97. Wearing leather pants means they must be tight enough to show a **** print.
98. Corpse paint is compulsory when meeting the in-laws.
99. Lay down the smack on all people not as extreme as you, exert your dominance extremely.
100. Work/Live by a steel factory and claim that 'metal has been in my blood from a young age'.
101. The most important rule of extreme metal: “In order to create art of the most truest form, one must live it.” Kill yourself and die, and only then can you write and perform the most extreme of extreme metal possible.

Decapitated

Blood flows in venomous veins

In a plagued viscera,towards a nubile heart

Begging to be regurgitated

A violated mass tissues,fragmented,eviscerated

Now lies in front of the blood thirsty creature

Waiting,to relish the vital remains

Of this relentless savage butchery

The victim,a puzzle of pain

lying in the horrorscope of sickness

A lifeless spawn of mutiny

Quickly perishing into the dark unknown after-life

A carcass of decaying ecstasy

Disgustipated,decapitated

Rotting in itself,collapsing into cadeverous infinity

Annihilated anatomy

The sole representation of mankind's frail bloodline

A dim lit future for a blood thirsty race

Existing in timeless pulsation

Akin with death,akin with the after-life

This song is dedicated to Witold Kieltyka "Vitek",the drummer of the legendary death metal band Decapitated. He was killed in a bus accident on November 2nd,2007,and today is his 2nd death anniversary :'(

R.I.P Vitek,we miss you,you will always be remembered.

Immortal Disdain

The more I look around to see

The more I'm convinced here isn't where I should be

Governed by laws that bind us all

Irrational media that blinds us all

Every time I stop to stare

A faint image floats in the air

The image of a sub-ordinary race

The image of a leader asking for a pay raise

The battles that we choose to fight

The things we impose unto others as right

A glorious past that we've left behind

Dissipates as steam,left us all blind

The lies that feed our judgements

The rights and wrongs that make us who we're not

The blind who lead the blind in the same old maze

The philosopher who knows nothing counting days

The extortionists who make us ill

The material world makes us happier still

Superficial beings that should be killed

Genetically reconstructed to fit the bill

Every day I look around in disdain

I digest the facts about mankind's pain

Pain is immortal,so is hate

Can't fight destiny,can't fight fate.

Collapsed Morality

The more I look around,the more I realise how much morality is lacking in all of us. And no,I'm not talking about the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. I'm talking about morality collapsing in everyday life,and in each of our lives,amongst the people we know. I don't see justice being done to anything. Again,justice not in terms of the (god damn) law,but in everyday terms. People don't do justice to the things they do,to the people they know,to the people they meet,et al. Maybe the stereotypes have a lot to do with it,but nevertheless,its really not hard to be moral,in some remote way at least.

A guy decides he wants to write a love song for the girl he loves,but rips off a lot of lines from famous artists,only to appeal to her taste and sound better,that isn't doing justice to what you do,that is not doing justice to the girl as well,cause he's not really portraying what he feels,he's just saying what's already been said in quite a fantastic way.

A lot of morality takes the back seat in social situations. There is so much apathy in all of us,little do they know that breeds betrayal. You meet someone through a good friend,you get along really well. You make plans with person,little do you think of including the friend who introduced you two to each other? You make plans for a b'day party in a group,do you think twice about excluding someone from the group while inviting people?? Do you call the person who's helped you in times of need when you actually wanna hang out? Or do you just call them when you need something again? This is everyday life! Now show me where morality is!!

Whether or not you do justice to yourself,you could at least do justice to your actions and words,and the people concerned with them. You could at least unplug your ears every now and then and listen to something other than the lies you're fed. You could take off the blindfold and see things for real at least once a while. And not let your judgements be fed by worldly useless things. And what is it that you'd be expected to see? The world crumbling at the lack of morality. And yet you think you know everything. You know everything about nothing at all,cause you're too blind to see morality collapsing,right in front of you.

Cadeverous Invigoration

Standing on massacred ground

blood rooted to the cortex flowing unsound

my vengeance still incomplete,stirring up my neurons

venom gushing through my blood like pheromones

I pick up the rusty axe from the blood drenched soil

and decided to sever the head of the one who makes my soul toil

memories of betrayal erupting,thoughts of hatred intercepting

fragile,disdainful vision of the world

inner sanctum of feelings en twirled

I,now salivate at the thought of eviscerating human flesh

ecstatic at the sight of torn tendons

the orgasmic feeling of scarred worldly skin

blisters and cysts bring back cannibalistic memories

the slayer now free,bled out the pain that was once me

putrid stench chokes my breath as I slaughter more to satisfy my carnal paranormal lust

I look down to see,gorified eye balls gaping into oblivion

maggots crawling out of integumentary sacral wounds

and when this mortal battle hath finally ended,I rest underneath black clouds of uncertainty

and let the masterful art of slaughter unfold upon creation

Written by Auri and myself

Do not imitate!

Archangel

Rhythmic echo of a lonely reasoning soul

driven to be a solitary mass of endless questioning

a misery of sorts en twirled into a confused state of mind

wretched and disdainful

she is only human,maybe,perhaps

brushed off like a non existent

lifeless object alive and breathing

forsaken by the hand she once held

never to be trusted again

once bitten forever shy by a spiteful snake

facing condemnation,unbelieving

by a beauty so perfect a creation

nevertheless defended to be a once sought after guardian

a million hands to pull her up

but only two she really trusts

a blend of hatred and disbelief

blinded by a momentary lapse of reason

hiding in between spaces of unspoken words

Will she ever be able to unveil and see through

axe the chains to mortal chaotic life

erase all the delusion,erase all the pain

serenity in unconfined reality

and when a day finally dawns

when the pages are all turned

no more materialistic sensory perceptions

a life of immortal wavelengths with no conflicts

and peace of mind away useless worldly objects

is this a hopeless dream or shape of things to come?

Sculpted Sorrow

Existence,twisted into twirling repetitions

there ain't no hate without pain

the collapsible spiral of time

a perpetual reminder

that the doors of perception open but in vain

And all those days,bleak,lifeless

left to sink,into the swamps of memories

a dull clouded sky for a tomorrow now dims

the velvet spark of the sun now betrays

these forsaken sculptures of sorrow

and the angel now stand with a rose in her hands

a perpetual reminder of hope

the rain has washed away her once artistic face

the rusted chisel rendered useless

the rose now stained with the blood of ignorance

and withers away in the winds of the fall

A sweet melody whispers,the assurance of what is to come?

the gust of wind deafening,throws open the cemetery gates

You are alive now,you will feel all the pain

these sculptures sacred,but you're still profane